Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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