I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
