I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
