I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
