u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
