So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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