85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
