The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
