if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
