You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
