Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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