I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
