wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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