me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
