at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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