Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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