creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
