We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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