and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
