I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
