a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
