Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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