Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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