he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
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Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So apparently I’m into choking now
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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