he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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