I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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