fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
