sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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