When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
