i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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