god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
