either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I have post one night stand depression
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
