you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
