she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
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Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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