I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
