Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
