Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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