when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
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This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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