u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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