It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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