Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Those nachos came to me in a dream
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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