i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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