the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
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I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
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You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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