I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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