theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
