dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
