Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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