So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
