Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
