She said her name was "party"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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