I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
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