I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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