Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
