Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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